another true story

During my eight-year stint in college, I did a lot of stupid things and met a lot of stupid people. One time, I got really drunk and bought an Irish girl pizza because she said she was hungry. She then ate the whole pizza and then made out with me while we sat on the curb. Somehow, I managed to trick her into giving me her email address.
Here's what I wrote to said Irish girl, because I was oh-so smooth:

What's up Claire,

This is Chris, that drunk-as-fuck guy that you gave your email address to last night. In case last night is a bit hazy, cause I don't remember shit, I was that guy who bought pizza, dropped a piece on the ground, and then gave it my brokeass friend. That made me laugh. Anyway, I'm just seeing what's up and if you want, give me a call at (805)252-7621.

CHRIS

Way to go, 21 year old Chris. You really knocked her dead with your douchebag-quasi-aggressive-broseph email. I'm glad to see you've really progressed in the past 7 years.

Here was her response:


Thanks for that and the jacket,it was very sweet of you, we may be having a wee shin dig in house (not quite of style must b accustomed, but with fun loving people all the same!!) give you bell (aka call) about when know more, thanks again for all, or give us a holler if like on this very address.

Claire

Ps how de liver, my stomach not so hanging no drink last night.


Okay, I know she's Irish and all, but for the life of me I still have no clue what she was talking about. "how de liver, my stomach not so hanging no drink last night" is poor sentence structure, no matter what language we're using.

Here's what I responded with:

You're having a party? That's ok that it won't be a crazy, out of control thing, because I seem to be able to handle myself better when it's just fun-loving people getting together. Have I mentioned I tend to get thrown out of bars easily? It probably has to do with the fact that they're packed and I get too drunk and feel the need to harass everyone. Anyway, let me know if this party happens and I'll see if I can't make it.

CHRIS

Again, was I trying to be funny? Because, seriously, I just come across as a fucking dickbag. "HEY YEAH INVITE ME OVER I WILL GET DRUNK AND OBNOXIOUS AND YOU WILL THROW ME OUT BECAUSE I CANT EVEN CONTROL MYSELF IN AN ESTABLISHMENT WHERE THEY SERVE DRUNK/OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE FOR A LIVING." Ugh. That's embarrassing, but pictures from this time in my life reflect this attitude:



Wow, dude! Super cool! AFI RULES! I don't think you have enough gel in your hair either - there's still a piece or two that isn't standing straight up.

It's really amazing how fucking cool I thought I was. Shocking, really.

Anyway, she wrote back with this:
Hey de ho, no not mention that bout bars, but me tend go bit nuts also, so right there on curb with ya. Pty is Friday(ie tomorrow night), Brian (Irish guy whos pty we were at) is commin + tryin to round up possy!!! So come if can and bring some nice friendies also!!

The address again 326 West Ortega Street, 3 blocks into it. Were in the upstairs part so go up driveway, through gate.....

Hope to see ya there!

Hugs Claire:+)!


Again, not so sure what the fuck she is talking about, but at least there's no mysterious Irishtalk to decipher.

So, anyway, I showed up at the party. And, while she may have been expecting a handsome, well-spoken man, what she got was a disaster on legs:


Nice fuckin' Snapcase hoodie! Anyway, she opened the door, her face dropped, and said something to the effect of, "my stomach no hanging the drinky" and ignored me for the next 30 minutes. Then I went home and probably listened to Ten Foot Pole or some other marginally talented pop-punk band for the rest of the night.