Hi I Am Chris Walters

fuck everything else

2009-07-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

blogging in real life

2009-06-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote this in jury duty when I was bored in my lil' ol' moleskin journal. I'm also not going to edit any of the bad grammar, so fuck it and fuck you.

5.18.09
I am 28 years old today. Well, for the past 6 months, too. Now I'm on the bus at 8am going to jury duty, in mufuckin' San Francisco where I live.

(short bus ride later)

Now I'm at jury duty. There is a lady eating sushi, and it is only 8:45am (PST). The room is laid out like a classroom without desks. There are rows of chairs (no desks), a few circular tables where some Asian dudes are chatting, and two AV-style TVs at the front of the room with a sign taped to them that reads, "For COURT use only." There are also bathrooms, which you can hear flushing. Nothin' like takin' a shit in a crowded room. I was supposed to be here at 8:30am and was worried when the bus was late that if I showed up at 8:31 (!!!) they would not let me in. That is not the case as the clock is nearly 9:00am and a steady stream of disappointed faces keep shuffling in. The Asian people are engaged in spirited conversation. I wonder if they are friends who coordinated jury duty to be the same day or they share the same Chinese gobbeldygook bond that I'll never understand. That isn't racist, it just sounds like gibberish. Ricky Gervais would agree. Sushi lady is still going strong, dipping her rolls in soy sauce and now she's texting someone on her phone. Maybe she is on Twitter.

OMG JURY DUTY?!? :(

I hope that's what it says. That or

THIS SUSHI ROX! :)

or

NE1 KNOE UR BIRTHSTONE?!?

That would be way better. Some lady is bringing assorted cables and wires into the room. Okay, now she left. The conversations have whittled down to a few muted observations and the occasional cough. Two people know each other. That's weird.

"I just came to say 'hi'."

Now they're calling names. Some disheveled man in a 49ers jacket just got up and responded to the name "Carol Jenner." He also has a fanny pack on and a NY Mets hat. Aaaand he's off! Oh, wait. He just sat down somewhere else. Okay, I'm done. I'm parano - IT STARTS!

9AM

Carol is giving orientation.

1:30(ish)PM

I'm still a potential juror. However, this room is packed to the gills with potential jurors, so I feel a little better. There are something like 400 people here. Holy shit! The room is so crowded that I've been packed into a corner facing other people. There's a video playing, but I can't see it because I'm in the corner. Like this:

(insert shitty drawing here)

It's weird, they're playing the exact same video we had to watch earlier. Lame, I don't get it. Oh well, I guess I'll sit here and sweat. Its hot, there are a million people here, and I'm wearing layers. Most of the people here are playing with their phones or reading a book. I downloaded The Oregon Trail and already beat it. $6.99 well spent.

I keep hearing toilets flushing.

Well-dressed men in suits wander the Halls of Justice.

Poorly-dressed men in coveralls fix their plumbing.

At this point, I think I was pretty far gone into bizarro jury selection land and my brain was shutting down. I also didn't get selected.

Coffee Makes Me Do Things

2009-06-29T15:14:00.001-07:00

I made a mess of the toilet at work today.

Reason Number 10,000 Why I'm Quitting

2009-06-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

Forced Unpaid Vacation!

" We now need to take the additional step of requiring that all employees hired before January 1st of this year take all 5 unpaid days. This is an opportunity to take advantage of summer hours, taking Friday afternoons or Monday mornings off to maximize your weekends.""

Ooooh, an opportunity!

another true story

2009-06-19T15:29:00.000-07:00

During my eight-year stint in college, I did a lot of stupid things and met a lot of stupid people. One time, I got really drunk and bought an Irish girl pizza because she said she was hungry. She then ate the whole pizza and then made out with me while we sat on the curb. Somehow, I managed to trick her into giving me her email address.
Here's what I wrote to said Irish girl, because I was oh-so smooth:

What's up Claire,

This is Chris, that drunk-as-fuck guy that you gave your email address to last night. In case last night is a bit hazy, cause I don't remember shit, I was that guy who bought pizza, dropped a piece on the ground, and then gave it my brokeass friend. That made me laugh. Anyway, I'm just seeing what's up and if you want, give me a call at (805)252-7621.

CHRIS

Way to go, 21 year old Chris. You really knocked her dead with your douchebag-quasi-aggressive-broseph email. I'm glad to see you've really progressed in the past 7 years.

Here was her response:

Thanks for that and the jacket,it was very sweet of you, we may be having a wee shin dig in house (not quite of style must b accustomed, but with fun loving people all the same!!) give you bell (aka call) about when know more, thanks again for all, or give us a holler if like on this very address.

Claire

Ps how de liver, my stomach not so hanging no drink last night.

Okay, I know she's Irish and all, but for the life of me I still have no clue what she was talking about. "how de liver, my stomach not so hanging no drink last night" is poor sentence structure, no matter what language we're using.

Here's what I responded with:

You're having a party? That's ok that it won't be a crazy, out of control thing, because I seem to be able to handle myself better when it's just fun-loving people getting together. Have I mentioned I tend to get thrown out of bars easily? It probably has to do with the fact that they're packed and I get too drunk and feel the need to harass everyone. Anyway, let me know if this party happens and I'll see if I can't make it.

CHRIS

Again, was I trying to be funny? Because, seriously, I just come across as a fucking dickbag. "HEY YEAH INVITE ME OVER I WILL GET DRUNK AND OBNOXIOUS AND YOU WILL THROW ME OUT BECAUSE I CANT EVEN CONTROL MYSELF IN AN ESTABLISHMENT WHERE THEY SERVE DRUNK/OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE FOR A LIVING." Ugh. That's embarrassing, but pictures from this time in my life reflect this attitude:

Wow, dude! Super cool! AFI RULES! I don't think you have enough gel in your hair either - there's still a piece or two that isn't standing straight up.

It's really amazing how fucking cool I thought I was. Shocking, really.

Anyway, she wrote back with this:
Hey de ho, no not mention that bout bars, but me tend go bit nuts also, so right there on curb with ya. Pty is Friday(ie tomorrow night), Brian (Irish guy whos pty we were at) is commin + tryin to round up possy!!! So come if can and bring some nice friendies also!!

The address again 326 West Ortega Street, 3 blocks into it. Were in the upstairs part so go up driveway, through gate.....

Hope to see ya there!

Hugs Claire:+)!

Again, not so sure what the fuck she is talking about, but at least there's no mysterious Irishtalk to decipher.

So, anyway, I showed up at the party. And, while she may have been expecting a handsome, well-spoken man, what she got was a disaster on legs:

Nice fuckin' Snapcase hoodie! Anyway, she opened the door, her face dropped, and said something to the effect of, "my stomach no hanging the drinky" and ignored me for the next 30 minutes. Then I went home and probably listened to Ten Foot Pole or some other marginally talented pop-punk band for the rest of the night.

True Story

2009-06-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

Yep.

Karloff? Sidekick?

2009-06-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

FUCK YOU!

conundrum

2009-06-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

This video is terrible.

But The Pains of Being Pure at Heart are so goddamn good.

humina biba dooba dibba dumma

2009-06-04T12:17:00.001-07:00

YES!

July 3rd, 2009

2009-05-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

I quit my job. 28 more working days to go.

I'm just gonna keep on partying!

Juror Number 21

2009-05-19T14:53:00.000-07:00

Dismissed!

aw man

2009-05-16T09:17:00.001-07:00

Caralee quit Xiu Xiu.

Bummer.

good news you can use

2009-05-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

Only Tuesday, and its already been one of the weirdest weeks of my life in a while. Anyway, this makes me feel about 10,000 times better:

Letterman Rules

2009-05-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

This skit is interchangeable with anything on Conan. I can't stop laughing at how irate the guy is.

Boy, Do I Love Shellfish

2009-04-28T14:53:00.001-07:00

Mmmm, lobster buffet.

I like weiners

2009-04-26T12:23:00.001-07:00

I was at the gym the other day and all I listened to was Morrissey.

Yep. Definitley gay. Sorry, Dad!

www.rappcats.com

2009-04-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

How I've never been to this website is beyond me. Lots of Dilla-inspired tracks. What better way to lighten your spirits in a shitty economy than free music? Its restoring my faith in the mixtape and hip hop in general.

Dig.

BAK OFF U GUISE!!!

2009-04-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

I mean, he has a point.

yes, I believe so

2009-04-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

This movie will be good, despite the shit trailer.

the end

2009-04-08T15:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Fixed Gear Bicycle Enthusiasts -

I grew up in a small town in California's eastern Mojave Desert called Ridgecrest. When I was a kid, it usually took anything "cool" to materialize with the popular kids about a year or two after it was big in an urban, more metropolitan area. No Fear and Hypercolor t-shirts are a good example. When they arrived in Ridgecrest, people lost their minds and everyone had to have one (myself included), and everyone thought they were hot shit. The trend continues today as my beloved sister is obsessed with Ugg boots and talks about them constantly, often referring to them in myspace quizzes (sooooo 2006!).

To get to the point, I discovered today that fixed gear bicycles along with the small-billed cap/messenger bag/knuckle tattoo style has officially reached this hard-to-find, easy-to-miss mecca of everything that sucks about the planet.

Your day in the sun is over. Time to move on to something else. It's official, and I'm sorry.

ps - I used to really want a fixed gear bike, so call me a hypocrite. However, I also used to really think having visible tattoos on my body was a good idea, too, and now I can't even leave the house without a sweater on.

LOOK OUT!

2009-04-02T10:06:00.001-07:00

My Dad told me he was afraid of Google. He doesn't want them looking at his house. I mean, at my sister's house, where he is currently living in a darkened room in the back.

Overheard in Oakland, California

2009-04-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

None of the following things were (actually) heard by me:

Gunshots
Gunshots ricocheting off of Stop signs
Gunshots breaking glass
Gun shows

Maybe I just don't hang out in exciting enough areas.

Eatin' Out

2009-03-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

My dad complained to me the other day that the government makes stupid laws. The goddamned government, according to him, has faaaarrrr too much say into what we do and how we live our lives. Here are the three main points of his argument:

1.Seat belt laws are stupid. In the 60s, people rode around without wearing their seatbelts and were A-OK.

2.Laws requiring raw meat being cooked to a specific temperature in restaurants are none of the governments business. Restaurants should be able to serve you a piece of chicken however they damn well please.

3.The government is spending your hard-earned money on scientific research.

Okay, the third one isn't really government intervention - he is just upset about, um, knowledge I guess. This is coming from the same man who couldn't get a job for two years and just took a (temporary) position working for the Census Bureau. Great Job!

Magic Kingdom

2009-02-03T15:14:00.000-08:00

In response to Denny's free Grand Slam breakfast promotion, one patron had this to say:

"You couldn't beat it. I mean it was a beautiful, beautiful breakfast. It was fit for a queen or a king," diner Annah Shoffner told CNN affiliate WNCN-TV in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Indeed.

Hey California-

2009-02-02T12:26:00.001-08:00

Get your shit together!

Robin Williams

2008-10-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

Hi. It's me, Chris Walters. Do you know me? Of course you do - random strangers aren't googling me because they've seen that dumb desk movie I made. And besides, there are 119,000 matches for "chris walters" if you're going that route.

I turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. My grandma sent me a card in which she wrote, "Thank you for your concern when I was being old and had to go to the hospital." She also included ten dollars which, I think, was a birthday present and not a token of appreciation for my fifteen second phone call to her after she had her head x-rayed. My dad sent me a pre-paid credit card and was surprised that I spent it at American Apparel because its 'black people clothing.' When pressed about where he received this information, my father informed me that my sister had told him and she, too, was equally surprised that I was wearing black people clothing.
Oh, okay. I get it now.